Happy
by Daysi5
Summary: Bex and Zach are getting married, and I couldn't be... happier. Oh who the hell am I kidding. I feel like crap. All because of that one choice... my one chance for happiness. And I blew it." Is it too late for Cammie to rewrite history?
1. Chapter 1

Happy

A/N::: another song-fic type of thing that goes along with Victims of Love. I heard the song and the idea just popped in my head. Hope you enjoy. Am planning for it to have four chapters or something. Also, I'm planning to update Victim soon for all my forgiving readers (I hope).

SONG—Happy by Leona Lewis

Disclaimer::: I do not own the song of the series =/

=^-^=

_Someone once told me that you have to choose  
What you win or lose_

"Cammie…" she whispered my name but I didn't want to look up. I knew there were tears in my eyes and I didn't want her to see. Spies were not supposed to cry. Not for any feeble excuse like trying to decide if you should open your heart to someone you don't completely trust and have a 50/50 chance of jeopardizing not only yourself but everyone close to you. Or close my heart and lead a lonely life, throwing myself at the mercy of the foe. "Cameron—"

"I can't, mom. I just… I _can't." _My voice cracked and I hated how weak I sounded. Here I was, getting all worked up about Zach Goode, the only boy I could relate to, the only one who I could really talk to when I could just say a few words and it'd be over. But life doesn't work that way. Because Karma is a huge pain in the butt. It was that one kid bully who pushes you down every time you land safely when you think your home safe. The kid who stole your lollipop once you get to the middle of a tootsie pop, never tasting the nerve-wracking center. The sniper who shoots you down when you turn the corner as your life flashes before you and the bullet hits home—right at your heart.

"You can Cammie. I've seen you make difficult choices and you've always ended up choosing the right ones. Even as a little girl, you knew to always cut the blue wire in the defuse bombs." Mom cracked a smile and I made the mistake of looking into her eyes. They were pleading and I knew what choice she wanted me to make. It was obvious, the way she was sure I'd pick the right choice. But it was much more than just a few hollow words. It would decide the fate of my future and maybe my child (if I choose to have any).

"This isn't as easy as defusing a bomb, mom," I whisper, wiping the tears away angrily. "Do you see what you're asking me? To choose between my heart and mind and it's tearing me apart! I love Zach!"

She flinches and I see desperation crawl into her eyes. "Honey, this isn't just about you. Think about all of Gallagher. I'm not telling you to choose between the strongest parts of you. Zach… ever since last summer, he can't be trusted. Why do you think he isn't here anymore? He tricked us all, and I know it hurts, Cammie. I'm asking for you to think about others before yourself."

"I've been doing that all my life!" I wail. "I gave up a normal life for one of secrecy! For my country, I have to risk my life. My _entire _life. I'll never be able to live one like Dee Dee or anyone normal." _All for a life I probably would never choose. _I didn't say the last part aloud, knowing that if anyone knew I was having second thoughts about this life, I would be seen as a threat or possible flaw.

"Fine." Her voice is so defeated and quiet, I'm sure I hear her wrong. Rachel Morgan doesn't just… _give up. _

"Wh-what?"

She sighed and looked away. "I said its fine. I doesn't matter that much anyway. You choose what you want, Cammie. I'm just your mother. But let me tell you this, Cameron: you can't have everything you want. Sometimes you should just play it safe and not take chances. Sometimes it's just…best." She smiled regretfully. "I learned that the hard way. Choosing what you win or lose."

I shake my head. "You make it sound like… like meeting dad was a _mistake."_ I tried to stop myself, but the word came out as if I was disgusted. When really, I was just confused and hopelessly stuck.

"It wasn't. Best years of my life, actually. Christian was… my everything. I realized too late though, that you can't get everything you want." She took a deep breath and gave me one of her many charismatic smile. The one where you couldn't help but smile back, even if she was secretly saying that she was turning her back on you until you chose, and only if you chose _right_. "Choose which ever Cammie. Just remember: sometimes playing it safe can be useful. Sometimes. Not all the times. The rest of the times, you just have to choose between what you win or lose. You can't' get everything." She gave me one last attempt of a smile and then left, leaving me in her office to mull things over painfully.

_Don't you take chances  
Might feel the pain_

I'm here now, lying on my bed, remembering back what my mom had said. I chose, and now I was paying the consequences. Telling Zach I didn't love him was harder than jumping off the Empire State building. And let me tell you, falling to your death hundreds of feet below is freakin' hard.

_"I don't love you, Zach," I whisper. "I never did. I was just—"_

_ "Don't," he said, his voice pleading. It tore me apart. "Don't you do this. Telling your friends you don't… you don't have feelings for me is one thing. But lying to my face? Lying to yourself? Don't you do this, Cameron."_

_ "You wouldn't understand," I whisper. "I can't be with you. Even if I wanted to, you're not my prince charming." The look on his face, as if I'd just suckered punch him was heart-wrenching. Watching the boy I _do _love breaking to pieces in front of me…._

"Don't _you feel _anything,_ Cameron?" he snapped. He turned and punched the wall hard, making his knuckles bleed. "God, it's like loving a damn wall. You don't tell me anything! You don't even respond to me! What did I do so wrong that you won't even look at me?" I stay silent, looking at the fireplace. "I love you, Cammie. Why can't you see that? Don't you feel _anything?_" I couldn't take it anymore. Something in me snapped, and I was suddenly on offense. _

_ "What do you want me to say!? That I don't love you!? I don't love you, Zach Goode! Can't _you_ see that? I never did. I never will. Stop trying! I'm not going to bend to your will. I don't feel anything towards you." I regret it as it flows out of my mouth, off my tongue and into the air between us. But I can't stop. The poisonous words keep coming. "I don't love you."_

_ "But I love you!" he says fiercely. It was the first time he ever said it. _

_ I step back, covering my mouth with my hand, wanting him to take it all back. But he won't because he's stubborn Zach, the boy that I love. I almost take it all back. But I don't._

_ I shake my head, regaining my composure. "No, Zach. You don't. We're just two teenagers who had a short-term fling. You don't love me, and I don't love you." My voice is so flat and monotone, I wonder where this part of me came from. I want to take it all back. But I can't. Because this is my choice. To live a life full of contempt and envy, yet always throwing myself in missions, never caring if I come back. Because I have nothing to come back to, now. _

_ "Cammie, I…"_

_ "I don't love you, Zach. God, just get it through your thick head!"I hiss, turning away just as the tears escape. I make it out of the library before the sobs claw through my throat. I make it to the closest hidden passage before my legs give out from under me. _

_ "What have I done?" I sob. "I'm so sorry, Zach. I'm so sorry…"_

I feel a tear slowly find its way to my ear as I recall what happened on that day. It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, and I'll regret it every second of my life. I hadn't realized it until after, when I came to my senses and found myself in the secret passage. I slowly realized what I had done, only to throw myself in another crying fit.

I rub the criss-cross scar on my left palm with my thumb, a shameful reminder of how desperate I was to rid myself of this world. Away from Zach, Bex, Zach and Bex. I guess you could say it was rash since I'd done it at three a.m. in our bathroom. Surprisingly, Macey was the one who found me on the floor, unconscious, my blood splayed on the floor. I don't remember anything else from then, nor do I want to. It's a horrible feeling, wanting to die in a pathetic way. To choose to kill yourself is a coward's way, which I realize only now. I'd rather die on a mission then commit suicide.

I heard a faint knock on my apartment door and sat up immediately, squinting at the digital clock. Where had the time gone? It was 7:45, which meant I was late to the rehearsal dinner.

I sighed and flattened my dress, not bothering with my hair. I was late as it was, and not in a good mood either. Which meant I was going to need a taxi.

_Don't you love in vain  
Cause love won't set you free_

I was sitting down, alone, blending in when it happened.

I have never enjoyed weddings. Especially wedding receptions. And apparently, the bride and groom wanted to get us all tipsy because they'd paid for a full bar, which was always my favorite part of a wedding. And now, receptions too.

"Cammie!" I felt my shoulders tense instinctively at the heavy British accented voice. I quickly downed a shot, gritting my teeth against the burning. It was worth it though, when its affect took charge.

I felt a hard tap on my shoulder and turn to see a too giddy Bex and stone face Zach.

"Hey, Bex-a-mil. How's the party?" I say lazily, the words slightly slurred. She scrunched up her perfect nose.

"What do you mean? You should know, silly! You're the maid of honor!" It wasn't until I looked closer that I realized she was a bit tipsy herself, telling by her flushed cheeks and high voice.

"_A _maid of honor, remember? Mace and Liz are the others." I glance around, only to see said girls mingling with other strangers.

"Oh please, _you _are my best friend, Chameleon," she said lowly.

"Even after our falling out?" I said, purposely making it uncomfortable. It sobered her up though and she averted her eyes. Zach tugged at his tie.

"Oh Cammie. Why does it all have to go back to that? We were young and hopelessly confused, what with our hormones raging," Bex said, biting her lip, trying to convince herself more than me.

"Yeah, Bex, whatever you say." I smile lopsidedly. "I'd say I'll see you later, but I'd be lying. I think I'm going to go." I pick up my purse, using the high stool I was sitting on to balance myself.

"But the reception just started!" Bex protested. "You can't go already, Cammie! Just because of what happened, that doesn't mean we can't back to the way we were, right?" Her hazel eyes were pleading with mine, but I didn't care. I didn't care for anything at the moment. I felt like I could do anything.

"Nah. I think I've had too much to drink already." I point to the row of small shot glasses to make a point, taking one more to go that the bartender had left. "I'll um, see you guys tomorrow," I walk slowly, trying not to trip on my black heels. When I reach the doorway, I turn back and lean against the double door frame. "Oh, and congrats." It was meaningless even though I tried to put my whole heart (what little of it I have left) into it.

I was walking out of the elevator when he appeared.

He was panting, his tie loose around his neck, his face red from sprinting down ten floors.

"Wait," he panted, "a second, Cameron." I stood there, shocked. I've never seen Zach flustered, but it made him seem more perfect (ironically enough).

I finally regained my composure, making sure I was expressionless before saying, "What do you want, Zach?" I walked around him, walking through the revolving doors, cursing him in French when he stopped it and I banged my head on the glass.

"Dammit Zach," I mutter, rubbing my forehead.

"Aren't you happy for us, Cammie?" he asked in a low voice, which surprised me. Just a second ago he was breathing hard, and now he was all… cool and seductive.

"What gave you that crazy idea?" I say.

"That's exactly what I was expecting," he said. I expected him to smirk, but he just looked pained. "What's up with you? You're acting all cold and ignoring us, Cam."

"Don't Cam me," I snap. "Did you actually think this would help ease the pain? You're loving her in vain, Zach. You're hurting my best friend because you couldn't get what you wanted!"

"You of all people shouldn't be giving me this speech!" His eyes blaze. His fists clench the doors' frame hard. "Don't you think that I've told myself this countless times? God Cameron, do you really take me as a fool?"

I shake my head, refusing to reply. "It won't set you free Zach. This thing you call _love _isn't going to set you free." I smile bitterly. "Or so I've heard." I push against the door and it comes free. I try to get away but he's right behind me.

"Cammie, you can't do this! You can't keep running from this!"

I whip my head around and regret it instantly when I feel light-headed. "_I'm _not the one faking everything, Zachary Goode. _I'm _not the one setting myself up for an ultimate fail. So if you're going to criticize me about running away, then I might as well tell you that you should stop trying to find a cover for yourself that's going to break and hurt everyone you love!" By now we were getting stares, but I didn't care. Even as tears rolled down my cheek, I knew that I had finally let go. It wasn't until I felt my stomach clench that I realized I was letting go too much.

I fell to my knees, thanking god for planting this giant bush here next to my feet. I could feel the bile rising in my throat and realized with shame that I was going to barf in front of all of New York and Zach. Just freaking perfect.

So what do you think? Too long? Too pointless? I updated as soon as I finished since all my loyal fans have waited so long xD so review so I know if I should update this and finish the song-fic. Am hoping for about… 10 reviews? Come on, you know you want to! =P

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	2. Chapter 2

A/N::: I've been told to update this, so I have.

Diclaimer::: I do not own (obviously).

Enjoy!

Cammie POV

_I can't stand by the side  
And watch this life pass me by_

I stumble into my apartment, muttering curses under my breath. I hear a car door slam shut behind me and someone calling out to me, my head _pounding. _"Idiot," I mutter bitterly, bumping into a table I had placed in the hall. "Damn it!" I throw my keys and purse down, getting pissed by the second.

"Cammie, you can't run forever!" I'm in the kitchen by the time he's in. I grit my teeth, banging open cabinets. "Cameron! Where are you—" he stops, already at the kitchen entryway. "Found you," he breathes.

"Will you just shut up?" I hiss, turning to him. I lock my gaze with his emerald one, the pounding increasing. "At _least _give me enough time to find my freaking Advil before you start lecturing me! God damn! Where the fuck is my Advil!" I return to slamming open the cabinets, searching for the familiar bottle.

"Cameron…"

"Shut up Zachary," I hiss weakly. "Just shut up."

"Just thought I'd let you know that—"

"Fine!" I yell, throwing my arms up in surrender. "_Fine_. Just tell me why you followed me in here so you can leave and I can—" I stop, mouth open, as I stare at the object in his hand. "Is that my—oh." I finish lamely, "thanks." He nods, tossing it. I catch the Advil, my face burning with shame.

"It was on the table the whole time," Zach offers. "You probably just missed it." I nod, my back to him as I open it and take one. After a second thought, I swallow another one. Almost immediately, the pounding dulls. I nod to myself, apology on my tongue, pride in my throat.

"Sorry about that—"

"Don't worry about it," he cuts me off, smiling. He smirked less and less these days, probably having to smile to calm Bex's anger. "My fault. I was a bastard back there. I don't blame you for snapping like you did." He sits in one of the two chairs I have, massaging his temples.

"Since when did you become such a pacifist?" I ask. I get out a pot and boil some water. "Do you want an Advil?" I ask politely.

"Yeah, thanks Cam." I flinch, not used to the sincerity. I place the bottle in front of him, not risking a chance of touching him. "So," I muse, after he takes the pill. "You should probably get going. Bex'll get worried and—" He holds his hand up, smiling, again. I miss the smirking-Zach, I tell myself.

"Taken care of. She's too tipsy so Liz and Macey took her home. Grant is taken care of the party. Just because the main couple goes missing doesn't mean the party ceases," he mutters dryly. To my own surprise, I laugh.

"Oh god, the British Bombshell is going to have a major hangover tomorrow." I sit across from him, keeping a safe distance.

Zach shook his head. "Nope. Liz said she's come up with a concoction that'll cure hangovers. She only needs to force Bex to swallow a pint of it and she'll be set in the morning."

I sigh. "That's our Lizzie. Always thinking of others."

"More like jumping at every chance to experiment," Zach mutters. I laugh again, and he joins in. "God, what happened to us, Cammie?" he whispers, his hand inching towards mine. "We used to be so close. And now look at us. Only having a good time because you threw up and I had to drive you to your place. Why is it like this, Cam? Why are _we _like this?" Our hands are inches apart; our faces leaning in towards each other. It's when his breath reaches my face do I realize what exactly what I was doing.

_So unhappy  
But safe as could be_

I snap back, snatching my hand away from his. "You chose her over me," I say numbly. I want to stand and be strong. I want to demand what right he has to be bringing up the past that I buried a long time ago. But I just sit and stare at the table, my emotions going numb.

"Oh, so it's my fault?" he asks, incredulous. "_I'm _not the one that gave you an ultimatum. _I _wasn't the one who chose my country over you. _I'm _not the one who stormed off without even thinking of a way out of it or even promising anything. You think _you're _the only one you hurt when you broke what we had off? You ran away after yelling at me, after _lying _to me. You think that I couldn't tell it pained you to say what you did? Because I knew. But hell, you _screamed_ you didn't love me, so I could only stare and oblige. I was done running after you Cammie. For once, I was hoping you'd come after me but after five years of nothing I gave up. And you know who was there? After Grant broke it off with her, Bex was there for me. And I was there for her. She was the only one who I could talk to who _understood. _So no, Cameron, _you _chose your country over _me." _It was silent after he spoke. I could hear nothing but the whistling of the kettle. I felt nothing but raw ache at what I did. But I was safe. I was safe and who could ask for anything more? Who cares if I woke up every morning, reaching for Zach but finding nothing instead? I was safe and no one could do anything about it, even if I was unhappy.

"Get out." That was me after I finally find my voice.

"What?" he asks.

"Get out," I repeat. "Leave. Go back to Bex. She needs you right now." When he doesn't move, I straighten up, ready to pull a Rachel. "Leave me alone, Zachary. I'll see you tomorrow at the wedding because of Bex. But I don't want to see you face anymore. I don't want to hear your lectures. Just _go." _My voice cracks and I turn away, fighting back tears.

"Okay." He sounds so defeated; I have an internal fight to call him back. But he's already easing the front door shut, not even bothering to slam it. That's when I know that I've not only lost him again, I've pushed him even further away than I've intended.

_So what if it hurts me?  
So what it I break down?_

The tears come relentlessly. Before I know it, I'm in all-out sob mode, overcome with regret and bitterness. I fall off the chair and fall to my knees, burying my face into my hands. What have I done? Not only have I shoved Zach further away, I've given him a reason to avoid me all together.

But, I reason with myself, wiping away the tears furiously, this is not my time. I lost my chance and ruined any chance I had with Zach years ago with I chose my country over him. It was my choice and chance, I gambled, and lost.

So what if I wake up heartbroken every morning?

So what if this raw ache in my heart never fades?

So what if I break down after every encounter I have with Bex, Zach, or Bex and Zach together?

It isn't my fight anymore. I quit, so there's no going back.

_So what if this world just throws me off the edge,  
My feet run out of ground_

There was a point where I deeply regretted choosing my country over Zach. No one was these when I was put in the ICU after attempting and barely succeeding in a mission two levels above my norm. I heard no congratulations from anyone I cared about when I was promoted as head of the CIA. No one, _no one, _was by my side when I watched my mother die slowly of lung cancer. They were on a mission, or just hadn't heard, or had decided to ignore me.

And every single moment, I knew that if I had just thought it through, if I'd not been too rash to push him away, Zach would have stood by my side every time. I know he would have canceled his plans and schedule, because he had, once, when I broke my arm on a mission. He had been by my side, helping me with everything. Even after I had decidedly ignored him. He had still hoped, I think, that I would change my mind. I wish I had. Because then, at least, I would have had steady ground instead of a podium that I so highly placed myself upon.

_I gotta find my place  
I wanna hear my sound_

My place was, inevitably, never by Zach's side. I don't deserve him. I yelled at him, treated him like something below garbage, and yet he treated me the same. He never yelled, never contradicted. He took the beating and I just unleashed on him. If I'd known that my actions would cause such a torrent of reactions, if I could go back in time in that moment, if I knew what I knew now, of course I would choose Zach. My country never stood by me. My country never even recognized me, except when there was a terrorist attack and they needed someone to blame. But Zach, Zach would have stood by me, and I by him.

But now I can't. I won't ever know what it's like to stand beside him and feel beautiful. I will never know what it's like to have him hold me or kiss me. My place is now to stand by Bex's side as they recite their vows tomorrow and undying love to each other. My place will be to calm Bex down and assure she looks beautiful and Zach will love her and faint when he sees her.

It will be my place to stand tall and cheer them on when they drive off to their honeymoon. It'll be my place to laugh as they take a bite of their custom made cake and instead turn on each other, feeding the other and smashing it into their face. It will be my voice that Bex will take comfort in as reality sinks in and she has to spend the rest of her life with Zach, the one man who had made me feel special. It'll be my voice that will convince Rebecca that Zach was the man for her; he was the one who completed her. They made a vow to love each other forever and they were spies; promises were never made on a whim. It will be me who will smile and laugh and pretend everything is alright.

It is my place, my fate and destiny. It has never been any other way.

_Don't care about all the pain in front of me  
I just trying to be happy  
I just wanna be happy, yeah_

Tomorrow is the day, I tell myself, staring up at the ceiling in my bed, my hair wet from a shower. The day where everything will fall into place and everything will be sealed. I will stand in front of a small crowd of sixty of so people, but they will only glance at me. I'll have to block all of my emotions expertly, put up a wall of concrete, wrap locks and chains around my heart so I will not feel. I won't care about the raw aching in my heart as it breaks into pieces.

I just want happiness all around, is what I'll tell myself. I want Bex, Zach, any of their future children, to grow up happy. I just want it to be a prosperous day where I will not be under scrutiny or any kind of observation. I will wish the couple a happy life.

I just want to be happy.

A/N::: DONE! Just before the New Years :D Short I know, but this was TOUGH to write.

**Let me know **if this makes sense.

This could be the end of this, folks. **Tell me **if ya want a **happy ending** or sad but intriguing yet **different ending**. How, you ask? Simple:

REVIEW


	3. Chapter 3

A/N::: Start time 12:00am- 5:46am See how much I love you guys? …True, I haven't updated in a long, long time. But I finished this story. Completely! Had to break the last part into two parts, it was too long.

Disclaimer::: I don't own the series :/ Or the song, which is Happy by Leona Lewis

Enjoy

* * *

Chapter 3

_Holding on tightly  
Just can't let it go_

The miniature bouquet of lilies in my grasp was the only thing keeping me from losing my composure.

"Okay people, listen! Listen!" a voice yelps from behind me. We stand at the entrance of the wooden doors of the chapel, and I have no choice but to let the blood return to my hand as I force the tension to leave my posture, grinning as I watch my scattered-brained, longtime friend Elizabeth Sutton wave a clipboard in all our faces. I can't help but notice the sparkling rock on her left ring finger and glance at the man who stood in a black tux beside her, his black frazzled hair matching his skewed glasses. _So Jonas finally got the courage to propose, huh. _

"You all look beautiful!" she exclaims, referring to our matching rosy red bridesmaids dresses and coordinated up-done hair. Except, her dress seemed a little loose (as if she'd lost weight from all the panicking she's done in just 8 hours) and her bun was lop-sided. Even then, she looked like familiar Liz, who'd always been there by us all in our time of need. "And handsome," she added, as if the groomsmen minded she had ignored them. Jonas glances at her reassuringly, and I felt a hint of jealousy. But only a hint. "It's almost time to get the show started," she says, her eyes wide with excitement. "Zach's on his way to the podium, and Bex is-" she stops, glancing at her clipboard and readjusting the Bluetooth head set she'd bought especially for today. She tilts her head to the side, as if listening to a silent conversation as we stand there feeling uncomfortable.

There are eight of us there, crowded in the hall of the half-filled church; Macey, who rested her head on Preston's shoulder, her eyes closed. I could tell her five year old daughter, Amber, has taken a toll on her, dark bags under her eyes and her posture wasn't as ramrod as ever. Still, her shiny ebony hair and model-like features made her look as stunning as usual. Behind her stood Bex's cousin from England, Paige, who knew about her family's role in MI6, but chose to lead a normal life, and her husband Mark, talking quietly amongst themselves. Then there was Liz, who stood in the same exact position, with Jonas by her side, who looked pensive. From my peripheral I could see the man beside me squirm, his hand trying to loosen the tie at his neck, his god-like features looking queasy as he tried to stand still, failing miserably.

"Grant," I murmur, low enough for just one pair of ears. He snaps his head towards me, his green eyes looking frantic, "are you alright?" I knew he wasn't; I knew this was as painful for him as it was for me. But I wanted to remind him we were doing this for _them. _Because they were the ones we held close to our hearts and couldn't risk losing for selfish reasons.

"I feel god damn miserable," he whispered, his voice pained. "I know we're doing this because they asked us to, but god damn it Cammie, I feel like a part of me is _dying_." I flinch at his words; I've never seen this side of Grant before. "I'm trying to be fair," he mutters, "I'm_ trying_ to remind myself that they're perfect for each other, that_ I _screwed up miserably and this is_ supposed_ to happen, but my heart," he whispers, taking my hand in his and holding it against his chest, "my heart feels like they ripped it out of my chest, stomped on it and threw it back in without a second thought." I have to blink away tears, gulping in shaky breaths until I can get my body to stop shaking. And then I met his defeated gaze with my hopeless one, feeling, for the first time, that someone finally understood the pain that's been a constant friend these last years.

"I know," I whimper, squeezing his hand, "I know."

_Just trying to play my role  
Slowly disappear, ohh_

We stood like that, two broken hearts unable to mend but able to comfort, when Liz tripped into me, breaking the gloomy atmosphere with her "oopsy daisy!" She was babbling about Bex, and how she'd locked herself in her dressing room and how her father was trying to get her to come out but how she was refusing to see anyone but her Maid of Honor.

"Please Cammie," she says, winded by her own words, "please go save the day. Bex needs you."

"Ok, Lizzy," I sooth, trying to calm her reddening cheeks, "no need to get all distraught. I'll go make sure Bex walks down the aisle with a smile plastered on her face. In the meantime, make sure the crowd doesn't get restless." I step back, watching one of my best friends regain composure, finally in her area of expertise. Her eyes return to their excited blue color as she yelps an OK and scrambled off into Jonas' arms.

I start to turn away when I feel a hand grasp my wrist. "Cam-" he starts.

"_Don't_." I flinch at my cracked voice. "Grant, _don't. _You know as well as I do how much this means," I whisper, "you know I have to do this_ no matter how much it hurts." _

"Ok," he murmurs, letting go. "Ok."

_But all these days, they feel like they're the same  
Just different faces, different names_

"Bex?" I knock, hesitant, watching her father's hunched form walking away. "Bexy?" I whisper, "It's me, Cam. Bexy, honey, open the door," I plead. Unsurprisingly, it cracks open. I slip through before closing it shut quietly. Looking at her, I don't think I've ever seen anyone more beautiful. Her dress was white and soft looking, taking her every curve and emphasizing her body's perfection. Her hair was curled and down, a veil making her looks saintly and pure. She was lying on the ground, her eyes closed, her arms and legs out like someone making a snow angel.

"Oh Bex," I breathed, watching her splayed form on the floor of her dressing room. "No wonder you don't want to go out there," I sigh, watching as she opened her hazel eyes, amused. "Your beauty alone is enough to make every person in there drop dead at the sight of someone so…" I struggle for a word, "_angelic." _

"Angelic," she repeats. She later adds, dully, "I feel like shit." I sigh, sitting beside her.

"At the very least you took care to keep your dress clean," I observe, referring to the blanket under her. I make sure I don't touch it, wrapping my arms around my knees. _I know this blanket, _I think bitterly, _at one time, it was mine. _

"It's Zach's," she sighs. "I wonder if he'll hate me after this."

"He won't," I chide in confidently, "because you are going to walk down that aisle in all your stunning beauty and make him happy."

"I can't," she whimpers, finally breaking her unaffected attitude. She turns her head to me, her eyes ready to be overrun with tears. "I can't go through with this."

I give her a warning look. "First off, don't you _dare _cry, Baxter. I _did not _threaten the best makeup artist from Italy to do your makeup, only to have you ruin it with tears." She gives me a shaky grin and I breathe a mental sigh of relief, glad I hadn't over done it. "Second of all," I add, completely serious, "there's no reason for you to _not _go out there and marry the man of your dreams." I close my eyes, telling myself that I was on a mission, that my words are just words and not shards of glass stabbing into my heart. I've been on plenty of missions, wearing different names and sometimes different faces. I was glad when I was sent to a country half way around the world. But coming home, to my country, came a dread of living a lie. Every day was the same. And every day will be the same if I succeed in getting Rebecca Baxter to put on her shoes and walk down the aisle. "This is your day," I murmur absentmindedly, "this is your day and you're going to relish in it. You're going to stand beside Zach and tell him you love him to everyone so they can know just how much he means to you. There's no way he can't be unhappy, not with-" I pause, the word _me _on my tongue, before I catch myself, flustered, "not with you by his side. He loves you Bex. You know that."

"You're right," she sniffles. "He's everything I want. But…" she struggles to sit up, her slouched form unlike her. "I don't feel like I can love him like I loved Grant," she says so quietly I'm afraid I heard wrong. But I read her lips, and I'm sure I saw what I just saw; a hint of doubt. _A way for everyone to be happy, _I think immediately but erase that thought almost immediately. _No. _No. _I don't deserve happiness. Bex and Zach do. They deserve each other. _I muster up any self-discipline that I can to keep my voice from wavering.

"Well you won't know until you try," I say firmly, "and now's your chance to try. There's always divorce, you know," I offer offhandedly and mentally scold myself for even thinking it.

"Yeah," she giggles as I offer my hand to help her stand up, "you're right. There's always that."

"Don't forget your shoes," I say as I turn away, cringing as my voice goes a little too high as I turn away to compose myself. I bite down on my finger and squeeze my eyes shut to keep from feeling too much.

_Get me out of here  
_

_What have you done? _I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, breathing heavily. I don't even look at myself, just splash handfuls of water on my face to wipe away the last five minutes. _WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? _ My inner voice screams. _AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH, YOU RUINED IT. ABSOLUTELY RUINED IT. _

"No," I whimper, the tears coming down fast. "No, no, no. It didn't just happen. I did not just-" I lean against the wall and let myself fall with a resounding _thump_. And I cry.

_Standing there, in front of a small crowd of sixty, watching my best friend walk through the doors with her father, a pang of jealousy hits me. She's always had a father; I lost mine before I even knew it. She's marrying the man of my dreams, who I loved since… since I knew what love was. But I plaster on a smile as they reach the raised podium, Zach mouthing a thank you to her dad, and whispering "you look beautiful" to her, and I know he means it. _

_I feel like I'm suffocating._

_I can't stand by your side, ohh no  
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by_

_The priest begins to speak, and I refuse to meet anyone's gaze. _

_I ignored the audience politely when I had walked through the double doors, my grip on Grant's arm so tight I was afraid I would caught off his circulation. I had looked right through Zach and grinned, nodding my head as if I was offering him congratulations. I had ducked my head as I lined up beside Liz and Macey and Paige, pretending I was taking care to not trip. And now I was standing beside them both, close enough to smell Bex's perfume, and I was empty. A void was cracking through my heart's exterior, leaving a gaping hole of nothing. _

_And then I saw the look on Grant's face. Anguish, pain, longing. And he was looking right at Rebecca. My insides began to panic as I catch snippets of the speech about love and cherish and memories. _Grant, no, _the voice inside my head shrieks, _don't you do this! _He breaks his aching gaze and looks at me, and sees the panic in my eyes and understands that I've noticed. That I've seen through him. He gives me a sad smile that creates a crack in my resolution to keep these two together. I shake my head subtly, telling him no, he can't, he won't do this. After all of it, he can hold on and stand by his best friend for a few more minutes. He can. _

_But he won't. I see it in his gaze, that he won't have it. He won't let Bex go without one last plea, even if it potentially ruins his relationship with his best friend. _Oh, my god, _my thoughts wail, my head filled with doubts and thoughts and possibilities, _this can't be happening.

_"Ok, ladies and gentlemen," the priest speaks, raising his dainty voice to be heard loud and clear, "if anyone here believes that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing it would just pass. The room is silent, all sixty of them watching with, what I would think, a peaceful gaze. And when I hear Grant's suck in a deep breath, because my ears are alert and waiting, just waiting for him to speak, and he says "I-" that's as far as I let him go. _

_"Don't do this," I whisper, and I feel like I am no longer a chameleon as the room reacts to my words. I meant to direct the words at Grant, but when I snap my eyes open, my gaze is on Zach and his on mine. I feel the blood drain from my face as I glimpse Rebecca's look of horror as she turns to look at me, and finally Grant, whose face is one of shock and hope. I cover my mouth with a shaking hand, unable to take the words back. "I-I-" No words come out. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Excuse myself? Or keep going? _

_"Oh, my god," I hear Paige mutter, "you bitch." _

_"Shut up!" Liz whispers fiercely. _

_"Oh, Cam," Macey tsks in that voice of hers. _

_"Cam?" Bex asks in a voice so small, my heart aches, "why?"_

_"I'm sorry, Bex," I manage, stepping back, away from them all. I am not like them. I am not good at heart, and never will be. "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this." I let the bouquet of wilted lilies fall to the ground as I flee, unable to make out anything but the side door of the church that I escape through. I think I hear Grant or Zach call after me, but I don't even turn around or slow down. I am not meant to be in a church. I am not pure; blood stains my hands. I have spilled enough of it to bathe in. I was not meant to be in such a holy place. _

_So any turns that I can't see,  
I'll count on a stranger on this road_

_I reach the large, heavy doors that lead to the outside world and stumble through them, a bright light flashing me as I gasp in the clean air and feel the hot sun beating down on my pale skin. I take a moment to revel in this airiness inside of me, closing my eyes once again. I feel lighter than I have in years as I begin to trip down the concrete stairs, my feet unable to keep up with my neurons as I force my body to run. I crash into someone standing in the middle of the decorated pathway that leads to the church, blindly reaching out and letting them grip my arm before pulling away. _

_"What's going on?" he asks me. "Are you alright?" _

_"I'm fine," I say, and for the first time in years, I mean it. I truly do. _

_"Where are the bride and the groom?" he asks, puzzled. I recognize him as the photographer Macey hired. _

_"I don't know," I reply. "Probably getting married."_

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A/N:::

:D Hope it was good, after such the long wait. School was a biiiitch. Sports were a pain in the arsehole, hah.

Please review? I'll update the last part sooner (which I already wrote, by the by) the more reviews there are!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N::: Last chapter :) I tried to comply with everyone's wishes. But then I realized... it is how it is.

Disclaimer::: I don't own this song or series.

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Chapter 4

_But don't say victim  
Don't say anything_

_"What happened to you?" he won't move out of my way, stepping into my path. The sun is blinding and shining in my eyes, I can't seem to get around him. "Hey," he says, shaking my shoulders, "what's going on? What happened?" I step away from him, glancing behind me at the wooden doors, exposing the inside of the church. I could see nothing, but I heard something, though what, I wasn't sure. "Did something happen to you?" he continues, trying to gauge my reactions, "Are you ok?" Once again he tries to touch my shoulder, but I move away, finally able to think clearly. _

_"I'm no victim," I say point-blank. "If anything, I ruined two people's lives. Maybe even more. But right now, I'm leaving." I begin to stomp away, ignoring his calls. _

_I feel strong. I feel free. I feel invincible. _

_Until I reach the bathroom of the nearest gas station and feel the world collapse on my chest. _

_So what if it hurts me?  
So what if I break down?  
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?_

"Oh, my god," I exasperate to no one in particular, "Oh, my." My eyes burn from the salty tears and harsh chemicals they use to clean this bathroom (it actually looks really clean), but I'm fine with it. After all the raw ache my heart's suffered, feeling beaten and broke,n I have finally let it out. It hurt, watching the faces of the people I loved looking as if I had stabbed each and every one of them in the back. Even Liz and Macey had looked betrayed. And Paige… she's a pediatrician, she'll get over it. Honestly, I wouldn't mind if they all turned their backs on me. It's my fault, and I own up to it. I had to do it, if for any reason, to save Grant. I don't think anyone had heard him, but it wouldn't be good if they had. We'd both be royally screwed if they find out we each had feelings for the bride/groom.

_I gotta find my place  
I wanna hear my sound  
Don't care about all the pain in front of me_

Sitting here, on the cold tile floor in a bathroom, I feel as though I'm starting over. This makes sense, in a way. Back then, I had forced myself to play the loving, loyal best friend who had relinquished all feelings for _him. _I had been silent, watching them as one would a movie, unable to communicate with the characters of the film. But now, I had been heard. It wouldn't take a spy to realize that I had, in fact, tried to stop them from getting married. I had spoken up; I had been heard. Maybe not in the best way possible, but it had happened.

_I just wanna be happy_

A loud, slow knock at the door breaks me out of my revere, causing me to decide between being polite and leaving, or being selfish and hogging the bathroom.

"Occupied," I say loudly.

"Gallagher Girl," the steady, familiar voice replies, speaking clearly despite the thick metal door in between us. "Open up." Instinctively, my muscles tense up and my mind goes blank. My mouth feels dry as my hands begin to sweat. _W-what? _My mouth won't form words as I get up methodically, crossing over to the door. _Huh? _When I crack it open, I expect to see an angry mob, maybe a few pitchforks. But no; it's Zach, standing there, looking tired and exhausted. But he's here, in front of me, waiting for _me. _

"What… what are you doing here, Zach?" The coldness and distance in my voice is automatic; I have spoken this way to him for so many years like this, it comes natural. He raises his eyebrow in response.

"Is that how you treat someone whose wedding you just crashed?" he asks, the words sounding harsh but his tired voice betraying him. He pushes pass me to step into the bathroom and after a seconds thought, I close and lock the door, sitting across from him on the floor. He sighs, mussing his hair that I want to touch. Instead I pull my legs in and rest my chin on my knees, staring at him. When it's obvious he won't start, I decide I might as well lay it all on the table.

"Zach," I venture, "why are you here? With me?"

"Because I love you?" he tried after a moment. I feel my heartbeat stammer. "I don't know," he admits, his gaze on the door, "Maybe because I had to get out of there."

"Your wedding," I clarify. He shakes his head, smiling sadly.

"Not anymore," he says, his smile bittersweet, "Bex's and Grant's." My jaw drops.

"No way," I mutter. "I didn't think…" my voice cracks as I try to explain. "Zach, I'm so sorry. I didn't meant for this to happen, I just-" I avoid looking at him, trying to make sense of my thoughts. "I didn't know what got into me," I say at last. "I just don't think I could bear the thought of you and Bex being married." I'm ashamed of how weak my voice sounds, reduced to nothing but a whisper. "I'm sorry." It was silent as we both sat there, inside our own minds. I fought back tears, staring at a carelessly tossed paper towel beside me.

"Just tell me one thing" he says at last. I breathe a sigh of relief; he doesn't sound angry.

"Anything."

"Do you love me?" I started laughing, almost hysterically. I couldn't stop, and soon enough, we were both lying on the ground, laughing until it hurt.

"You did not just ask that," I breathed, staring up at the tiled ceiling.

"I believe I just did."

"Don't be a smartass, Goode," I bite back. "And if you didn't get the message after _I ruined your wedding _that I still loved you, then obviously you're a lot denser than I thought." He turned on his side, hovering over me, his face searching mine. I reach up, about to touch his ruffled hair before I stopped myself. _He can't really be mine, _I tell myself, _it's just too good to be true. _

"You told me you hated me, back then," he whispers. I could see, now, how much it had hurt him. I wonder if he could see how much it hurt me as well. "You told me you no longer loved me and that you wanted nothing to do with me. How do you think that left me Cammie?"

"Broken?" I mumble.

"_Heartbroken," _his voice breaks, along with the rest of my heart. "You left me _heartbroken. _And then you left, and no one would tell me where or when or…_why. _All I knew was that you had lied to my face, and then disappeared. It was as if you had never existed." He seems dazed, his hand tugging the loose strands that had escaped my bun. "Four years, Cammie. You were gone for four years. I had no one left, you were all I had. _And you left me."_

"I know," I plead, "_I know. _But Zach, I had to go finish the Circle. I couldn't let them take anyone else-"

_"Why didn't you take me with you?" _he says fiercely. He sits up, so I do too. I was surprised at his bluntness, but not at the question.

"I couldn't do that," I say slowly, "_I wouldn't let them get anyone else." _

"Why didn't you choose me?" he asks. "We could've done it together, we could've-"

"They would have killed you," I cut him off. "They needed me, but they would have _killed you_."

"My mother-"

"Was dead by then," I turn away, wincing at the harshness in my voice. "I'm sorry Zach, but I know I made the right choice back then. It almost killed me, leaving you behind like that, but I know I made the right choice."

"What about now?" he asks, "Do you think you made the right choice, doing what you did today? Saving Grant's ass like that?" he adds.

"How did you know?" He rolls his eyes at me.

"How could I not? He was always broody whenever she was around, but he was still my best friend," he says softly. "I love Rebecca. But not the way I love you. I don't think I could have ever loved her like I love you."

_He said love, not loved._ I blinked hard, trying to get rid of the moisture building up in my eyes. "She said the same thing about Grant." Zach smiles, tilting his head to the side.

"I guess it wasn't meant to be, then."

"I guess not." I glance around, surprised that we were still in the bathroom. "Want to get out of here?" I ask. Instead of replying, he stands, offering me a hand. And for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, I let him help me, and fell into his embrace.

_I just want to be, happy_

I cry. I don't know why, exactly, but the feeling of Zach pressed against me, the sound of his rapid heartbeat, I missed it so much I didn't know how badly until now. His smell of spices and soap was still the same; the muscles in his arms were still as strong as ever. My head fit perfectly into the crook of his neck, where I sobbed helplessly.

"I missed you so much, during those four years," I cry. "I missed you so much these last few years. I thought that if you being with Bex made you both happy, I'd deal with it. But I couldn't do it. _My god, Zach, I missed you_." I could feel his chuckle vibrate through his body and mine, causing me to cry even harder.

"Since when were you a crier, Cammie?" he teased.

"Since the day I told you those horrible words," I whisper. It felt as if we were trying to close any gap in between us, crushing into each others' embrace.

"I love you, Cam, you know that," he hums into my hair.

"How romantic," I sniffle, barking out a laugh, "telling me how you feel in a gas station bathroom. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were just trying to get in my pants, Goode."

"But you do know better," he said simply. "Now let's go before they ban us from the place." We let go of each other, but I held his hand. I never wanted to let him go, I didn't care how childish that sounds. We were going to walk out of there, hand in hand, and for once, it would feel right.

I look up at him as we made our way back to the church. "You know I'm going to get a lot of shit for this, right?"

"Of course," he says, shooting me a look as if I had two heads. "You ruined a wedding, what do you expect? A surprise birthday party?" I glare at him. "Don't worry; I got your back, Chameleon. You know that."

"Yeah," I say softly. "I do." _  
_

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The End :D

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How did it _feel?_

What did it taste _like?_

Tell me in the reviews silly!


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